Finding your life partner and soul mate (Part 1)

Finding the ideal life partner is one of the most important things in life for many people. Many people have different criteria as to what qualities their life partner should have. In fact, many people believe that there is one single person made for them who exist, a soul mate.

The search for a life partner has been made easier with the advancement of technology. Technology simplifies the search. With one click and within seconds, people can send e-mails to everyone around the world. Websites offer online dating service. Speed-dating is fast becoming a weekend activity for singles who are ready to get on the wagon of marriage.

Years ago, most people get married to have children or own a home. However, according to Paul Amato, professor of sociology, demography and family studies at Penn State University, marriage is now considered as a “vehicle for self-fulfillment and happiness” (Shulman, 2004). According to the Department of Statistics in Singapore, “as of 2003, an estimated three in ten registered marriages ended in divorce” (Chuah, 2008). Why is this so?

Shulman (2004) states that people now want a partner who reflects their taste and status, accepts and loves them for who they are and helps them become the person they want to be. Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco psychologist says relationships are pressured to live up to an unrealistic ideal and remaining in a relationship that isn’t working is considered “an act of existential cowardice” (Shulman, 2004).

In an online poll by www.misterpoll.com, 52% of 146 online voters believe in the concept that there is a soul mate for them. 35% of them state that they will settle for no less than to marry their soul mate and  33% of them think it is very important for them to find their soul mate.

There are many definitions of soul mate. Author of paperback Soulmates, Thomas Moore, defines a soul mate as “someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communicating and communing . . . between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace” (Moore, 1994).

The search for love, a life partner or the quintessential soul mate is now increasingly becoming a type of science. For instance, psychiatrist Paul Dobransky developed the overall model of psychology called mindOS, the operating system of the human mind through. Dobransky (2007) claims there are four types of men and four types of women namely kings or queens, warriors, magicians and lovers. He claims the model can “explain how soulmates really exist scientifically”.

Kathryn Alice, a licensed spiritual counselor, conducts workshops on love and she claims that “many people manifest their soul mate within seven days” (Alice, 2003) of her workshops.

Chau Vuong, founder and CEO of three technology companies who has “dedicated his life and wealth to finding his soul mate and helping others to do the same” has created a mathematical model called the Love Economic Model. He claims that the model can predict and explain all human behaviour pertaining to love and also “promote intelligent dating by explaining love using simple math equations” (Vuong).

Psychologist James Houran tried to dispel these notions of soul mates by stating in an online magazine that during the early stages of a relationship the brain naturally releases a natural high that is misconstrued by people. He also states that “friendship, passion and intimacy and a conscious decision to commit” are the three elements to a successful loving relationship over a lifetime.

Counselor Kenneth Sprang suggests that our soul mate will share the same vision and attitude about life as us and is concerned about our happiness as he or she is about his or her own happiness in http://family-marriage-counseling.com.

In the same website, therapist Lisa Kift shares ten characteristics of a successful relationship which she has identified through her work as a counselor, which are, friendship, humour, communication, chore-sharing, sexual intimacy, affection, reliability, avoiding criticism or contempt, having mutual and separate friends, and developing relationship vision.

Different individuals have different opinions, different visions of themselves and different dreams. These differences can be a result of a person’s background or the way she has been brought up and also a person’s vision of how she sees herself with their life partner years down the road or the kind of life she wants for herself.

Innocence

"I want to live here," I said as I sat at the back of my father's old Vespa. 

"Can we move here please?" I asked my father in earnest while pointing to the four-storey walk-up apartments that had just been built. 

They've got walls built around the apartments grounds. I haven't got walls built around the flats where I lived. I'm sure there were flowers and plants around the walled garden. 

"Sure. Go home and tell mummy to pack all our clothes. We'll move here tomorrow," he replied. 

I couldn't see his face but he said yes and that's all that mattered. 

We're moving! He's going to buy an apartment where I want to live. 

I came home that afternoon and told my mum,"You can pack all our clothes up. We're moving to an apartment that has a walled garden. Daddy said we can move there tomorrow." 

I was excited to see the garden. I was excited that my father agreed to move to a place where I wanted to live. I'm such a lucky girl, I thought. 

Tomorrow came and went. We did not move. Mummy didn't pack our clothes. 

For the next few days, I said the same thing to my father and got the same reply. I would come home from school and told my mum the same thing and still she didn't pack our clothes. 

If only she'd pack our clothes, we could move. My simple mind only understood that. My father said we could move there but mum had to pack our clothes up. She didn't pack our clothes so we can't move. 

After a few days, I realized my mum didn't want to move and that's why she didn't pack our clothes up. I was resigned to living in our flat which didn't have a nice walled garden. 

"If only mummy would pack our clothes," I thought, "Then we'll be able to live in that apartment." 

My Birthday & Arafah Day

I'm born on 9 Dzulhijjah in the Islamic calendar. It is an important day for all Muslims all around the world because it is Arafah Day or Day of Arafah.

It is an Islamic Holy Day, in which the last verse of the Qur'an was revealed which explained that the religion had been perfected. 

This day is the culminating event of the annual Islamic pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia. At dawn of this day, Muslim pilgrims will make their way from Mina to a nearby hillside and plain called Mount Arafah and the Plain of Arafah. 

It was on Mount Arafah that Prophet Muhammad SAW recited his Farewell Sermon in his final year of life.

Watch the Final Sermon narrated by Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens)

The day after Arafah Day is Eid'ul Adha when Muslims honour the day Prophet Abraham, in an act of submission to Allah's command, willingly wanted to sacrifice his young first-born son, Ishmael. Allah intervened to provide Abraham with a lamb to sacrifice instead.

My birthday was always celebrated on Eid'ul Adha with the family. Dad would order a huge cake so that relatives who come on that day for Eid would be able to enjoy it too.  

Since last year, my Birthday on Eid is celebrated in a different way. 

Now, before my birthday, I will remind myself of the significance of Arafah Day and Eid'ul Adha. This then leads me to ponder on why this day was chosen by Allah for me to be born. 

I haven't yet found the answer to this of course but this leads me to find out the purpose of my life on God's earth and to try to be a better person.

Mothers

I'm a single 36-year-old woman and lives with my 74-year-old mum. I know what you think. I must be crazy. I should be getting my own place. I should be more independent.

You see, I'm Asian. An Asian woman seldom moves out of her parents' home if she's still single. Anyway, I own the flat that I live in now so I can say that my mum is living with me instead of the other way around.  

The thing is my mother is insanely protective of all her kids and since I'm living with her (or she's living with me - whichever way you want to put it), she's giving her 101% in smothering me.  

She calls me every single time I come home later than usual. She gets jealous of every single person I have a relationship with or protective over me whenever I'm seriously involved with anyone. 

At times, I feel sorry that she worries. I also feel guilty because I think she may be feeling lonely. Most times, however, I get annoyed because she doesn't express herself well and most times comes across as angry and furious with me for not doing what she expects me to do. 

Therefore, I've learnt to manage my guilt and anger.

1. No one can make me feel guilty. The guilt is a result of the tug of war between my love for my mom and my desire to be "free from her clutches" and less of her concern.

2. Give up my anger. It isn’t doing anything to change the situation. It either makes me feel bad or it makes me rebel. Either way, the effect isn't desirable.  

Meanwhile, Adam Chester actually wrote a book about his experiences with his own mom. It's called S'Mother: The Story of a Man, His Mom, and the Thousands of Altogether Insane Letters She's Mailed Him. 

And you think your mom is too involved? Meet the mother of all mothers.

Adam Chester is the son of a very loving mom, who for almost 30 years has peppered his life with unsolicited advice, news updates, and opinions in the form of thousands of inappropriate, embarrassing, and utterly crazy letters. S'Mother is a hilarious memoir based on this correspondence showing the pathological extremes maternal instincts can take. Why is a grown woman so frantic that her adult son screw on his windows to keep out killer bees? And are adult trick-or-treaters really that much of a threat? Adam saved his mom's letters as proof this all happened and reproduces many of them in the book. And now, with time, perspective, and plenty of therapy, he acknowledges and accepts the comedy of it all and is proud to share his story with you, if for no other reason than to make you feel better about your own mother.

Watch on YouTube 

Buy the Book

Selfies and Perceptions

Girl in front of Mirror, 1937 by Pablo Picasso

Ever since I have been using the iPhone, I have mostly taken selfies. You know it, I'm sure. The tilting of the head and chin, angling the phone just so, smiling to the camera and voila, the perfect picture! 

I am now suffering from a condition called Distorted Self Image or Distorted Self-Perception where if a full bodied photo was taken of me, I cannot believe at how large I am! 

I know I am overweight. I am fully aware of that because I know my dress and pants sizes. However, whenever I see a wide shot of myself, I'm utterly shocked at how wide I look because I don't feel I am that gigantic. But apparently, I am!  

You see, I have very lovely close up photos of myself. Even without my Instagram and Cymera photo editing effects, I can look pretty good. With the right tilting of the head and angle of the phone, I look wonderful! 

Oh! But wide shots always burst my bubble!! Sigh... 

I am slowly learning to accept and admit that I am a big woman and that if I'm not happy about it, then I should take action. Therefore, nowadays, I'm less shocked at how my body looks in reality in photos.

My own distorted self-perception has led me to read up on selfies and self-perceptions. 

Everyone's taken a selfie at one time or another. By doing a search with #selfie on Instagram, I see more than 50 million posts. Does the rise in selfies means a rise in narcissism, or a cry for validation in the eyes of our peers? Or is it a platform for promoting positive self-image and self-worth?

Lauren Slavin from www.feminspire.com reported that Dr. Amy Slater and Professor Marika Tiggemann of the School of Psychology at Flinders University in Australia studied the effects of Internet use on girls age 12-16, and found that of the 96 percent of girls who had some access to the Internet at home, 72.1 percent upload pictures of themselves. These same women are more likely they are to experience body shame, dissatisfaction with their weight, and lower self-esteem, according to the survey, and of the 1096 girls surveyed, 40.1 percent said were dissatisfied with their bodies and one in two were terrified of gaining weight.

People fall within two groups generally. 

The first group are those who think very little of themselves. These are the ones who suffer from low self-esteem. They do not believe they are worth very much. Weaknesses get magnified and their  strengths become minimized. 

The second group of people are those who think too highly of themselves. They are over-confident of themselves. They smugly think and feel that they are better than anyone. 

However, self-perceptions are rarely accurate.

Just like my own perception of my body. Sigh.. 

From http://www.someecards.com/

The Colour Pencils

"I can't colour my drawing," I said with pouting lips. 

"My colour pencils are too short and I can't sharpen them anymore." 

A tear rolled down my cheeks and a sob escaped my lips. 

Short colour pencils. Missing colours. How can anyone let a child suffer short colour pencils and missing colours from a set. Nobody cares about me! 

The following night, my father returned home from work with ten new boxes of colour pencils. They were bundled up with a single rubber band. 

"Here," he said. "I don't want to hear nor see you cry over missing or short colour pencils ever again." 

What a lucky girl I am, I thought. Who else in this whole wide world would have ten brand new colour pencils at once. 

I beamed happily. A wide smile was plastered onto my face while my little heart grew with so much love for my generous and loving father. 

Lucky, lucky me, I thought.

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